Well, today is a typical late summer or early autumn day in SW Ohio. Dreary, rainy, and yes, depressing. So, of course, I am off anti-depressants right now. In the past several weeks I have been trying to find one that will work for me long term. I have had some relief from anti-depressants, but after a while they just don't seem to work any more. Several months ago I agreed to try the one I sarcastically call 'Vitamin P'. Before trying it, I talked to all the people I know who are either on it, or had been on it in the past. My best friend in Georgia was ecstatic about it. "I love, love, love it!" she gushed. "I will take it until the day I die!". OK; that was a pretty good endorsement. I called my cousin who also said it helps her and she is on it now, as is her husband. Another good point in its favor. A close relative was on it at one point in her life when she was suffering from an eating disorder. She thought it helped, but hasn't felt the need for it in many years. That encouraged me the most because she doesn't feel the need for it now. A limited run on 'Vitamin P'; that sounded just right.
So, I went on this little magic pill. After several weeks, I asked my husband if he could tell a difference, because I really didn't. He said that he did. So, I called my doctor and said I wanted to increase the doseage to the next level (I had been started on a very low dose) because if 10mgs. was good, 20mgs. must be better, right? And, for a while it was. Then something happened, and it didn't help anymore. I told my PCP that I wanted to go off 'Vitanim P' because "it isn't helping me anymore". She told me to stay on it until she could come up with another suggestion, and I agreed.
She has been suggestingfor a few years that I try counseling , but I refused. Being married to a therapist, I thought that he could make it better. But, there are some issues that your spouse can't help you with because your relationship is just too close. Say I was angry at him. That's not going to work because he can't be objective, and neither can I. After a few more weeks, I finally agreed to try counseling. My PCP suggested a woman whom she was very familiar with and thought would be a good match for my personality. Reluctantly, and more than slightly sceptical, I agreed to give it a try.
At the end of our first session, I wanted to kick myself for resisting therapy for so long. First of all, I was totally comfortable with this woman. Nearly my age, but in much better physical health, we found that we had many opinions, philosophies and likes in common. We both have cats who are very challenging to live with, yet we choose to love them. Our political views are totally alligned. We find certain types of people challenging, too. And, we choose to dislike them. We could talk for hours, but that one hour of counseling goes by very quickly. At the end of it, I have had several moments of insight for which I am deeply grateful. I'm learning how to confront some of the unpleasant aspects of my life and hopefully work my way through them so I can leave them behind me. I would go to see her daily if my insurance would pay for it! I encourage others to try therapy if your life seems overwhelming or you have feelings of sadness or unhappiness that you can't conquer on your own.
So I am presently not on any extra anti-depressants, just the one that cured twenty years of migraines. I am in the throws of yet another sinus infection which will most likely turn into another bout of bronchitis, I have extremely severe joint pain, a little kidney distress, mild anemia, insomnia and, of course, the depression that comes with this all-too-familiar misery. I will see my PCP in a couple of days and will undoubtedly walk out her door having had more blood drawn, with a handful of new Rx's, and an encouraging pat on the back. I may be a litttle down, but I'm not out. I am, however, getting very tired. My 'Golden Years' are actually brass, and they are tarnishing quickly. Please! Somebody toss me the brass polish...Now!
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